The rise of 'one-and-done' parenting
Due to social and economic factors, more parents are opting to have only one child, choosing to forgo the idea of siblings.
When Jen Dalton became pregnant in 2018, she created a detailed spreadsheet. She factored in maternity leave, family spacing health guidelines, and potential family vacations, mapping out when she would have each of the four children she planned to have. "I look at it once in a while and I giggle at how naïve I was," says Dalton, 31.
That’s because, just two months after her daughter’s birth, she and her husband decided they were "one and done." It wasn’t just due to their struggles with sleep deprivation and mental health; Dalton had endured a traumatic birth, postnatal depression (PND), and postpartum anxiety (PPA). But even when life became easier, the decision felt right.
It wasn’t just that Dalton and her husband, who live in Ontario, Canada, didn’t want to risk her and their family's well-being by going through it all again. They also realized there was nothing "wrong" with not giving their child a sibling. "I’m an only child, and I’m very happy," Dalton says. "I’m so close with my parents."
In 2022, Dalton had second thoughts. After moving into their "forever home," close friends with a newborn reminded her of her own daughter. She thought that if she experienced PPD or PPA again, she would be better equipped to handle it. And social media algorithms kept showing her images of large, happy families, leading her to question her decision. "It really made us think, 'Yeah, we could do it again,'" she says.
It’s not surprising that Dalton began to reconsider her decision. Although, in many countries, only children are becoming more common, the pressure to have more than one child remains strong. Stereotypes about only children being spoiled or lonely continue, despite consistent efforts to debunk them. Parents often feel the pressure from everyone, from family members to complete strangers. On social media, mothers share heartwarming moments with their children, accompanied by captions like, "This is your sign, give them the younger sibling" or "I never met a mama who regretted having that one more."
As the decision to have just one child becomes more widespread, this external pressure means parents who make this choice often find themselves needing to justify their decision – both to others and to themselves.
More common, but still judged
Especially after the contraceptive revolution of the mid-20th century, which gave women more control over fertility, the decision of how many children to have has become increasingly personal. However, social and cultural trends have also played a significant role.
In many countries, these trends are shifting towards having fewer children. In the EU, nearly half of all families with children – 49% – have just one child. In Canada, families with only one child have become the largest group, rising from 37% in 2001 to 45% in 2021. When looking at mothers nearing the end of their childbearing years, a clearer picture emerges: in 2015, 18% of U.S. women had one child, up from 10% in 1976.
The fact that women are having children later is an important factor, but choice also plays a significant role, according to investigative journalist Lauren Sandler, author of One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child, and the Joy of Being One. "There are a lot of people who will say, no one wants to have just one kid – that [the rise in only-child families] is all because of delayed fertility," Sandler says. "Well, that is a way of making this choice, too. You’re saying, 'There are all of these other things that are really important to me, and I’m going to prioritize them, and hopefully I’ll get there.' Instead of, 'Those things don’t matter, and what comes first is my motherhood.'"
Ideas about the ideal number of children are also evolving. For millennia, the preference for having multiple children was logical. Just two centuries ago, more than 40% of children didn’t live to see their fifth birthday. Having multiple children helped families manage the many tasks needed for survival. In the absence of reliable contraception and with women marrying at much younger ages, having just one child wasn’t just undesirable—it was often impractical.
"Why is the world telling you that, if you make this choice, you're a terrible parent, and you're a terrible woman?" says Sandler.
Today, however, in many cultures (though not all), the reality has shifted.
The contraceptive revolution of the mid-20th century, which gave women greater control over fertility, has made the decision of how many children to have increasingly personal. But social and cultural trends have also played a significant role.
In many countries, these trends are shifting towards having fewer children. In the EU, nearly half of all families with children – 49% – have just one child. In Canada, families with only one child now represent the largest group, rising from 37% in 2001 to 45% in 2021. Looking at mothers nearing the end of their childbearing years, the shift is even clearer: in 2015, 18% of U.S. women had one child, up from 10% in 1976.
While women having children later plays a significant role, the choice itself is a key factor, according to investigative journalist Lauren Sandler, author of One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child, and the Joy of Being One. "There are many people who will say that no one wants to have just one kid – that [the rise of only-child families] is all because of delayed fertility," Sandler says. "But that’s another way of making this choice. You’re saying, 'There are all of these other things that are really important to me, and I’m going to prioritize them, and hopefully I’ll get there.' Instead of, 'Those things don’t matter, and what comes first is my motherhood.'"
The idea of the ideal number of children is also changing. For thousands of years, having multiple children made sense. Just two centuries ago, more than 40% of children didn’t survive past their fifth birthday. Having more children helped families with the necessary tasks to survive. In the absence of reliable contraception and with women marrying at younger ages, having only one child wasn’t just undesirable—it was often impractical.
"Why is the world telling you that, if you make this choice, you're a terrible parent, and you're a terrible woman?" Sandler asks.
Today, however, in many cultures (though not all), this reality has shifted.
An intentional decision
These social pressures often make parents who choose to have just one child very mindful of their decision, says Dalton. "It's not just an auto-pilot approach."
Their reasons vary, from financial constraints to simply feeling like their family is already complete. However, what many one-and-done-by-choice families share is the belief that, contrary to societal expectations, having just one child isn't only the best choice for them—it’s also the best for their children.
While many view siblings as a "gift" to a child, parents who choose to have only one child argue that there’s no guarantee siblings will get along. For some, their own experiences growing up in larger families made them reconsider having more than one.
Fahey, the youngest of five, recalls, "The sibling rivalry was intense, to say the least. It really turned me off." She sees introducing a new family member as a "roll of the dice" with family dynamics. Like many one-and-done parents, she wants to ensure that she and her husband can give their child everything they can.
One-and-done parents also worry that more children would divide their attention. "I see moms of two or more being torn in different directions, especially as kids get older," says Cristina Zaldivar, 44, from Miami, Florida. "Even at parent night at school, moms had to choose which child's teacher's presentations to sit through. I don't ever want to have to choose."
With more patience and energy to draw on, many one-and-done families feel they can be more intentional in their parenting. In Poland, 39-year-old Gosia Klimowicz, the eldest of three, says it’s crucial for her to raise her family differently. "It is really important to me to have a calm and nurturing environment," she says. "And just to be able to control myself and my emotions, and make sure that I don't lose it," which she feels was difficult for her overstretched parents to manage.
Wanting to offer more to one child extends beyond emotional support to financial resources as well. Raising children today is expensive: a study in the US revealed that raising two children costs, on average, $310,605 (£255,369), not including college tuition. In the UK, one child is estimated to cost nearly £160,000 ($194,607) for a couple. In Australia, it costs almost AU$160,000 ($107,442, £88,307) or, by another estimate, nearly AU$550,000. Many families are struggling to meet these financial demands and are falling further behind.
Millennials, according to Sandler, are growing up under the weight of financial challenges that previous generations didn’t face. "We haven’t decided to make higher education affordable, or change our tax system so that there’s a middle class again, or put a cap on inflated housing costs, or do any of the things that make a viable life possible," she says. "How on Earth do I bring a kid into that mix? And how on Earth do I then bring two kids into that mix?"
Fahey also considers these financial pressures in her decision. "If my son wants to do soccer and hockey and music, I want to be able to give him all of those things, not say, 'Oh no, your brother wants to do hockey, so you can only choose soccer'," she says. "I want him to have all the opportunities to become who he wants to become, without any hindrance."
Some one-and-done parents also worry about the future their children will inherit. "The planet is dying, and there hasn't seemed to be as big of a push as needed to clean that up," says Fahey. "For those future generations, we're kind of leaving them to sort it out. I think it’s really scary. There could be a struggle for resources – I don't want my kid to ever worry where he’s going to get water."
With each additional child contributing as both a consumer and producer of carbon emissions, some see stopping at one as the more responsible, selfless choice. "A long time ago, I heard that one of the best things you can do for the environment is to have one less kid, and this has always stuck in my mind," says Vicky Allan, 33, from Berlin. "Bringing another human onto the planet is not a decision that should be taken lightly."
The happiness factor
A significant part of many one-and-done parents' contentment comes from the impact their decision has on other aspects of their lives, such as careers, hobbies, and personal interests. "There's the question of what you want an adulthood to look like," says Sandler. "Like, what does it take to go to the movies? What does it take to go out to dinner? What does it take to have adult friendships where you actually get to have an uninterrupted conversation?"
Additionally, it is often easier to maintain one’s health with fewer children. Pregnancy, labor, and the postpartum period all carry risks, including for fathers. Women over 35 who give birth to a second or later child face increased risks of pregnancy complications such as eclampsia, gestational hypertension, and preterm labor.
For women in particular, careers also tend to suffer the more children they have. In Europe, each additional child is associated with an average 3.6% drop in wages, though this varies widely. Nordic countries show no wage disadvantage, while Germany and the Netherlands experience a 6% decline per child. In the US, studies indicate that the wage gap between mothers and childless women is about 13% for one or two children, but the gap widens to 17.5% for mothers of three or more children.
There are also long-term considerations when it comes to the decision to have children. Dalton often hears that, although raising multiple children might be challenging, parents will eventually enjoy the benefits of a "full table" when the children become adults. However, she believes it's unfair to impose this expectation on children, adding that it could lead to guilt. She also points out that there's no guarantee of harmonious relationships between siblings: "You could have another one and your children could hate each other," she says, or you might have a child who requires care beyond the age of 18.
Research has shown that while having one child is generally linked to increased happiness, having a second child tends to result in a decline in happiness for mothers. Interestingly, no such effect has been observed for fathers.
Laura Bennett, 33, from Cornwall, England, feels that having just one child allows her to be a better partner. She enjoys time for herself, going to festivals and weekends away with friends, which helps her avoid resentment when her partner spends time surfing or socializing. She isn't sure how they'd manage this balance with a second child.
This could explain why research has found that while having one child is linked to greater happiness, having a second child has been shown to reduce happiness for mothers. One study even showed that the happiness boost from a second child is only half of what it is for the first, and by the third, there's no increase in happiness at all. According to an analysis conducted across 86 countries, "happiness decreases with the number of children parents have."
Cultural differences also play a role. In the US and Canada, parenthood often has a neutral or negative impact on parents' well-being. In contrast, for families in Northwest Europe, particularly in Nordic countries, the effects tend to be more positive. This difference is likely due to strong social policies in these countries that help parents balance the pressures of family life.
The impact of having children on partnerships is significant and well-documented. One analysis found that more than 60% of men and 50% of women experienced a notable decline in relationship satisfaction after the birth of their first child. This change is often negative, with the stress of parenting and the shift in dynamics affecting the couple's connection. When a second child is added, the decline in relationship satisfaction tends to worsen, especially among men. The additional responsibilities and challenges of raising multiple children can strain relationships, leading to increased tension and reduced intimacy.
Living with your choice
Despite their careful decisions, many one-and-done parents, like Melissa Urban, experience external pressure and unsolicited comments about their choice. Urban, who is the mother of an only child, has observed this in her Utah community and has addressed it in her book on boundaries. She notes that while many parents try to brush off uncomfortable questions, this often doesn't stop the inquiries. To set clear boundaries, she suggests parents prepare phrases such as, "Please don't ask, that's not something I want to talk about," and practice them to make them feel more natural. This approach helps parents assert their choices confidently and reduce the impact of societal pressure.
As only children become more common, questions about family size are likely to lessen, but for many, the decision to stop at one remains difficult and filled with self-reflection. Dalton, who runs an Instagram page @oneanddoneparenting, shared that even after being content with her choice, societal pressure and idealized sibling images made her second-guess herself. She and her husband regularly checked in, asking themselves if they truly wanted another child or were just influenced by external expectations. Every time, their answer was no. After stepping back from social media, Dalton realized her initial decision was the right one for their family, and her Instagram bio now proudly reflects, "Happy only child raising an only child." She's content to keep it that way.
